He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
