Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
