why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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