drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
