You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
