kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Vodka?
Forever.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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