i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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