Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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