i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
