woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
