Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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