I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
