Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
