I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
