I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
