cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
