i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
