i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
