That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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