8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
