Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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