So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
