i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
