AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
