turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
