so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
