proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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