He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
