awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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