bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
