I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
