She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
