Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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