I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
