take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
