repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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