We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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