WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
