Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
