Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
