There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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