im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
