She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
