I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
