Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
