well I can't set my house on fire every night
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
