Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
