Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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