It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
