went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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