Old men and throwing up are my life now.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
