Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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