I wish I only lived at night.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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