I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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