I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
