I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
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Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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