How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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