Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
His hands were made for my vagina.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
