Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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