You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
