If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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