last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
