All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Duck Duck Cougar?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
