She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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