How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
then he tried to convert me to islam
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
