Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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